Divot Golf nowadays is being played at a much higher level and with the Nerds doing a reasonable job, it’s becoming more competitive with handicaps making scores much closer. With this in mind these brief rules have been formed in order that everybody plays to the same rules and those divoteers who play to them now are not penalised. They have been produced in a lighthearted manner specific for the Divot and don’t always reflect the R&A rules.

There are three important principles to remember when playing golf: Play the course as you find it. Play the Ball as it lies. And if you can't do either, do what's fair" or in Tarzans terms “what the fuck you like”. To do what's fair you need to know the Rules. The following is a brief summary of the Rules of Golf, simplified where possible.

Golfers didn't develop etiquette just because it's the polite thing to do. Proper etiquette gives everyone a fair chance at scoring well, (apart from Adolf, who’s swing changes according to which video he saw the previous week) keeps the game moving (apart from Dr Hairy who likes to roll a spliff between shots), keeps the course in shape (or municipal tip depending on the course) and helps everyone get more enjoyment out of golf. What enjoyment I hear you say or in Walrus case, what golf?

One of the first rules of etiquette deals with noise. Golf is a game of concentration, and it's important that the person hitting the ball has the right atmosphere. Here are some things to pay attention to: On the tee box, be careful to swing at a safe distance from other golfers and that includes the club. It's not only the sound of the club swinging that is distracting, but also Sevis backside in the background, although the chance of accidentally spraying your partners with turf can give some enjoyment. Stretching and warming up should be done out of eyesight from the golfer hitting, so next to the ball is normally a good place. And most of all, avoid talking to your partners while someone is addressing and hitting their shot unless it’s warranted abuse. Other common distractions to be avoided are slamming your clubs back in your bag, cleats on concrete, or washing your ball at the wrong time with the wrong tool. One more thing, after you hit your tee shot be sure to pick up your tee and any others you see littering the box, my boy. Wooden tees are hard on mower blades (Only because we care).

Don't play until the group in front is out of the way, unless your names Big Lew, where you may spank off at will. Always play without delay, with the exception of the good Doctor who may be required to administer surgical or non surgical aid for likely distasteful incidents that may occur from time to time.

Leave the putting green as soon as all players in your group have holed out. Don’t stand admiring the likely incoming steamer from the group behind, especially if it’s Sevi. My advice is get the fuck out of there.

Invite faster groups to play through (the trees).

Replace divots. Smooth footprints in bunkers, unless you’re Adolf where there is rarely sand left to rake after playing.

Don't step on the line of another player's putt, unless it’s to exterminate an unruly insect whose inconsiderate behaviour has caused such drastic measures.

The Definitions section of the Rules of Golf contains over forty Definitions which form the foundation around which the Rules of play are written. A good knowledge of the defined terms will help in the correct application of the Rules. These include;

Teeing Ground - the starting place for the hole, defined by two tee-markers and where balls are thrown into the air and randomly selected for playing partners (divot challenges only). Also an accepted area for copious amounts of abuse aimed at the ‘Clear Leader’, with a chorus of The Gnomes coming home! Through the Green - the whole area of the golf course except the teeing ground and putting green of the hole being played and all hazards (mainly the latter for most of us). Hazards - any bunker or water hazard, JCB, downwind to Sevi, Adolfs f…king language or Lee Smackit on a good day. Putting Green - an area specially prepared for putting and containing a 41/2 inch diameter hole, unless it’s a winter green where a joany is acceptable. Out of Bounds - ground on which play is prohibited i.e. not part of the course. A ball is out of bounds when all of it lies out of bounds. Tarzans chips or Welsh collies on the summer tour. Loose Impediments - natural objects such as stones, leaves and twigs provided they are not fixed or growing, are not solidly embedded and are not sticking to the ball. Woosies teeth or Heros swing after a lesson at the Belfry. Obstructions - any man-made object, except: (1) objects defining out of bounds (2) any part of an immovable man-made object which is out of bounds; and (3) any construction declared by the Committee in the Local Rules to be an integral part of the course. Casual Water - any temporary accumulation of water on the course which is visible before or after the player takes his stance except if produced by himself or other divoteers or dew or frost. These are not classed as casual water. Ground Under Repair - any portion of the course so marked by the Committee. Also includes material piled for removal and a hole made by a greenkeeper, even if not so marked.

When playing golf it is impossible to remember all of the rules in the game but knowing a few of them will benefit you, especially the old skuffer in the shite.

Before commencing your round:

(1) Read the Local Rules on the score card or get someone to read them for you. (2) Put an identification mark on your ball. Many golfers play the same brand of ball and if you can't identify your ball, it's lost. (3) Count your clubs. You are allowed a maximum of 14 clubs, with the exception of Hairy who may have a variety of surgical play things or Walrus who may just have play things.

During the round, don't ask for "advice" from anyone except your partner or caddie. Don't give advice to anyone except your partner. It’s likely to be complete crap!

TEEING OFF

Tee off between and not in front of the tee-markers, unless you’re a short sighted old git where it probably wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference anyway. You may tee off up to two club-lengths behind the front line of the tee-markers if you’re feeling particularly long. Teeing off outside this area - in match play there is no penalty but your opponent may ask you to replay your stroke; in stroke play you incur a two-stroke penalty and must then play from within the proper area, unless you suitably grovel to your playing group who let you off (you lucky bastard).

PLAYING THE BALL

Play the ball as it lies. Don't improve your lie, unless on the fairway where the course is playing winter rules. Don’t improve the area of your intended swing or your line of play by moving, bending or breaking anything fixed or growing, except in fairly taking your stance or making your swing, unless its part of your anatomy. Don't press anything down or build a stance, within reason.

If your ball lies in a bunker or a water hazard don't touch the ground in the bunker, or the ground or water in the water hazard, before your downswing. The ball must be fairly struck (in our dreams), not pushed or spooned.

Playing a wrong ball (except in a hazard) - in match play you lose the hole; in stroke play you incur a two-stroke penalty and you must then play the correct ball. In other words leave other golfers balls alone.

WATER HAZARDS

Ball in watery hazard – (Yellow Stake) play the ball as it lies or, under penalty of one stroke. (Make sure a camera is at hand) (a) drop any distance behind the water hazard keeping a straight line between the hole, the point where the ball crossed the margin of the water hazard and spot on which the ball is dropped, or (b) play again from where you hit the ball into the hazard.

Ball in lateral water hazard – (Red Stake) in addition to the options for a ball in a water hazard (see above), under penalty of one stroke, you may drop within two club-lengths of (a) the point where the ball crossed the margin of the hazard or (b) a point on the opposite side of the hazard equidistant from the hole.

CASUAL WATER, GROUND UNDER REPAIR etc.

If your ball is in casual water, ground under repair or a hole or cast made by a burrowing animal e.g. a rabbit, (decided by the group you are playing with. A dropping from the scrape may be required as evidence) you may drop without penalty within one club-length of the nearest point of relief not nearer the hole.

ON THE PUTTING GREEN

The first Rule of Divot Golf is ‘No Gimmees’, however short the putt may be.

You may repair ball marks and old hole plugs on the line of your putt but not any other damage, including spike marks.

You may mark, lift and clean your balls on the putting green, but this may lead to an examination by the good doctor. Always replace it on the exact spot.

Don't test the putting surface by stroking it or rolling all over it.

Ball played from putting green strikes flagstick - in match play you lose the hole; in stroke play you incur a two-stroke penalty.

BALL AT REST MOVED

If your ball is at rest and it is moved by you, your partner or your caddie, except as permitted by the Rules, or if it moves after you have addressed it, add a penalty stroke and replace your ball.

If your ball is at rest and is moved by someone else or another ball, replace it without penalty to you.

BALL IN MOTION DEFLECTED OR STOPPED

Ball struck by you is deflected or stopped by someone else - play your ball as it lies without penalty, except in stroke play, if the ball is deflected after a stroke from on the putting green, you must replay it.

Ball struck by you is deflected or stopped by another ball at rest - in matchplay, no penalty and the ball is played as it lies. In stroke play you incur a two-stroke penalty if your ball and the other ball were on the putting green before you played.

LIFTING, DROPPING AND PLACING THE BALL

When dropping, stand erect,(if this is difficult a top shelf magazine can be requested or if very lucky Walrus will arrange a celebrity to help, but not Dale Wintern) hold the ball at shoulder height and arm's length and drop it. If a dropped ball strikes you or your partner, caddie or equipment it must be re-dropped without penalty.

There are eight instances where a dropped ball rolls to such a position that it must be re-dropped See Rule 20 - 2c if you are really interested.

LOOSE IMPEDIMENTS

You may move a loose impediment unless it and your ball are in a hazard. However, if you have touched a loose impediment within one club-length of your ball and your ball moves, the ball must be replaced and (unless your ball was on the putting green) you incur no penalty stroke.

OBSTRUCTIONS

Check the Local Rules on the score card for guidance on immovable obstructions (e.g. surfaced roads and paths etc.).

Movable obstructions (e.g. rakes, tin cans etc.) anywhere on the course may be moved. If the ball moves it must be replaced without penalty.

If an immovable obstruction (e.g. a water fountain) interferes with your stance or swing, you may drop the ball within one club-length of the nearest point of relief not nearer the hole. There is no relief for intervention on your line of play unless your ball and the obstruction are on the putting green.

BALL LOST OR OUT OF BOUNDS

Check the Local Rules on the score card to identify the boundaries of the course. If your ball is lost outside a water hazard or out of bounds you must play another ball from the spot where the last shot was played under penalty of one stroke i.e. stroke and distance. You are allowed 5 minutes to search for a ball, after which if it is not found or identified it is lost. If, after playing a shot, you think your ball may be lost outside a water hazard or out of bounds you may play a `provisional ball'. You must play it before you go forward to search for the original ball. If the original ball is lost or out of bounds you must continue with the provisional ball under penalty of one stroke. If the original ball is not lost or out of bounds, you must continue play of the hole with it and the provisional ball must be abandoned.

Not in the rules of golf but we have to have someway of speeding up play. If you should be unable to find your ball divot society special rule 1 applies namely you can drop another ball as near as possible to the spot where all members of the playing group agree the original was lost under a TWO stroke penalty (otherwise the player who properly plays a provisional ball is unfairly penalized).

BALL UNPLAYABLE

If you believe your ball is unplayable outside a water hazard (and you are the sole judge), you may under penalty of one stroke, (a) drop within two club-lengths of where the ball lies not nearer the hole, (b) drop any distance behind the point where the ball lay keeping a straight line between the hole, the point where the ball lay and the spot on which the ball is dropped, or (c) replay the shot. If your ball is in a bunker you may proceed under (a), (b) and (c). However, if you elect to proceed under (a) or (b) you must drop in the bunker.

CONCLUSION

A good score may be spoiled, or a match lost, due to a penalty incurred through ignorance or confusion concerning the Rules. A sound knowledge of the above summary should aid the Divoteer in tackling a "Rules problem". Nevertheless, the complete Rules of Golf as approved by the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews and the United States Golf Association, can be consulted where any doubt arises, but more likely the decision is made between the group you are playing with. The final decision on any disagreement will be the Chairmans (or Deputy in his absence).