The Honourable Divot
Golf Society

MINUTES OF THE HON DIVOT SOCIETY ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING HELD AT COTTESMORE COUNTRY CLUB, FAYGATE, 4th DEC 2005 The meeting began at 8.43pm

PRESENT

Hero, Woosie, Steads, Whoople, Seve, Tarzan, Cadbury, Dr Hairy, Irish, Laura, Adolf, Sniffer, Big Lew

Before we could get any further there was an outbreak of Happy Birthday for the Chairman–why was he born so beautiful etc. He then tried to grope the rather attractive serving badger, but she was felt rather under age and naïve for this.

APOLOGIES

Walrus – for being the walrus.
Ted – who was fed duff information about how the weather was going to be shit and no trolleys and was therefore put off from playing.

MINUTES OF LAST YEAR

At least they had arrived, although members felt that they couldn’t remember whether they were a true reflection of what was said last year or not, since there had been too much time lapse. Proposed by Woosie.

MATTERS ARISING

Adolf had not been on a Customer Relations course, as these are not known about in Devon.
Jock has returned, but so severely traumatised that he won’t leave his hiding place and now we have forgotten where that is. Seve has still not received Excel training – this will tend to debar him from the position of Statto, which he so covets. Mention was made of some flagrant early morning nakedness
by the Mark Cottage resident badger – this was met with much approval by those who were there.
But not so much enthusiasm for Adolf’s repeat performance the next day and remarks to the effect of ‘there you go, now you’ve seen the full set’.

CHAIRMAN'S REPORT

Top attendee – Irish with 37 appearances, closely followed by Cadbury and Seve with 35. (Lew was encouraged to issue a final written warning for Sev’s non attendance at his day job) In all 44 rounds were played this year. Mannings Heath for the Coroners Cup, won by Seve. Members expressed alarm that Whoople had engraved his name on the Cup – since that was reserved for the deceased,
we wondered if there was something he hadn’t told us….. In April at Meon Valley for the Easter Stapleford, winner Laura. It was here that the Cultural Attache showed us his negotiation skills with
the resident drunk – ‘just fuck off or I’ll deck yer’. On to Ufford Park, Suffolk in July for the Summer Tour. Laura was again successful and the Divot recorded it’s first ‘hole in one’ with Irish performing a wonder shot. Another unheard of event also happened when Adolf went to bed early
– celebrated by a drink all round. In the ‘Keepie–Uppie’ we broke all records with a massive last minute 39 in the car park. The Autumn Tour was won by Hake and a new event was inaugurated
– Dr Hairy’s Confession Box. At the Yule on Day 1, it was Irish in the lead by 4 shots – it was generally felt that Gnomey
would be coming home with him by the end of day 2. (However events proved us wrong – Irish held on to win by 6 shots)

SPORTS REVIEW OF THE YEAR

Stead started his report by declaring that he was ‘the wind beneath the Chairman’s wings’.
Lowest net score – 57 – Woosie at Gatton
Lowest gross score – 75 – Sev at Gatton
Highest net score and gross score were 110 and 130 respectively by Hero at Ufford Park where he had a complete nightmare.
Worst hole of the year was also Hero with a 17 at the 3rd at Gatton
Birdie Boy went to Sev with 44.
Most Divot wins went to Sev with 8, although Woosie’s 6 wins out of 10 appearances was an excellent performance.
Sony Wanker of the Year – Sev with 87 points.
Fines – Quitting twice by Big Lew and a £10 fine levied (under protest) and Hake for fearing rain.
Players Player of the Year was won by Woosie – traditional nominations came in for Maximus and Chip and also for the very finely built serving badger – top totty

2007 Tour Report

Whoople reported on the funds so far which stand at £1500 in Premium Bonds plus £750 in cash.
£11 received so far in interest Scotland seems to be the preferred venue at present in May or June. Tarzan won’t travel to Ireland, so that remains an option!

SECRETARY’S REPORT

No matters to report

DOCTOR’S REPORT

At this moment the Doctor was discovered to be absent – it was suggested that he was engaged in expressing mole milk somewhere out the back. Upon his return he was pleased to report no fatalities
in the year, although the reintroduction of Charlie was a worry to him. It was reported that you could get a heart monitor in exchange for 2 Calloways from Steads. Hake had already availed himself of this offer. The doctor recommended this to the members and might be looking to get a defibrillator too,
but this was just to increase the speed of his own play. Member’s ailments included Lew’s wrists, Woosie’s shoulder and Whoople’s mole. Seve’s arse had reduced it’s foul output this year (not that we noticed), otherwise the Doctor was to recommend deep colonic irrigation. We recommended that he buy a funnel in case of need to administer alcohol by rectum.

ELECTION OF OFFICERS

Cadbury and Hero were duly sacked, for the sake of tradition, but immediately reinstated and deep thanks were offered to British Telecom and Surrey Wildlife Trust for their continued and loyal sponsorship. Both were happy to continue for the coming year in their roles of this year. Cadbury proposed that they should then reverse their roles for 2007, when, in its 20th year, the Divot would
be chaired by one of it’s founding members. Cadbury was censured for not attending the Autumn Masters, but said that he’d had problems with the plumbing of ‘the old boiler at home’.
Many members had experienced similar and expressed their sympathies. Cadbury then thanked the members for their support.

ANY OTHER BUSINESS

A 2007 Tour Focus group was set up – they will take a holistic approach and whilst thinking out
of the box, they will drill down and bottom out all the issues of the tour. This will lead to a Mission Statement. Whoople will be joined by Laura and Lew for this thankless task.
Shirts for the Tour will be a matter for the focus group (and thankfully not for Steads and his synthetic fibres and unbelievable colour sense)
The wholly unnecessary issue of fines was brought up and members will find themselves out of pocket for quitting, not wearing Divot shirts and not bringing trophies to the Majors.
Website to continue @ £9.99. Whoople to sort out.
Update of Glossary needed with terms such as: Dickhead, Wankbreak, Billy Elliot – a pirouette
on the spot, Dennis Wise – a nasty five footer, Donovan – a Jason to the hole.
Agreed that Steads and Lew shall produce a Summer Tour guide for 2006 – theme Sunday Sport (good grief!)
Seve brought up his traditional matter, that everybody should have their ball marked at all times for identification purposes. He was asked to put it where the sun don’t shine!

HANDICAPS

Seve ousted Whoople. The nerds consist of Sev, Irish and Steads.

TREASURER

It was appropriate to appoint Whoople as the treasurer, as he now held all the funds. Hake summarily
sacked. Letter from the secretary needed.

The Honourable Divot Golf Society